I need you to hold my hand

In the last few days following my post, I have been flooded with outreach and love. I cannot begin to tell you how much it means to me. In case you missed it 👇

As a quick health aside: I just arrived in New York, I am heading in for more tests and scans tomorrow, and meeting with my doctor at MSK on Monday. Unfortunately, I do not know much at this moment. Given my level of blood loss, I am very fatigued.

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There are a lot of different ways to go through the cancer journey. Old Louise would have done this in complete silence and secrecy, but that no longer feels right. I had an enormous fear when I first got the diagnosis that no one would be there for me, and I would be alone in this - I need your help to quell this. I feel stronger knowing that I have an army behind me, that someone is holding a parachute below to catch me as I fall. I just got thrown into a gladiator ring and am ready to fight. I need you to cheer me on.

I’ve been meditating a lot about my future state at the end of this. It means a lot to me to think that I am doing this all for a purpose greater than just my health. My dream is to come out of this stronger, more beautiful, more capable than ever, but it gives me unbelievable peace to think that if I don’t, my fight isn’t just in vain. That I inspire people to live more joyful, magical, and playful lives. That I bring people together in ways that bring them closer to their authentic selves. That others can channel my strength to do the things that scare them. That the world is a more beautiful, loving, and safer place because I’ve been in it. That every time you see birds (especially parrots) or butterflies, you think of me.

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How can you get updates from me?

I appreciate that many of you want to know what is going on and want to help. I want to share as much as I can, but it’s honestly exhausting for me to repeat the same information more than once. I’ve heard great things about Carebridge, but I find the entire thing utterly depressing, so I’m making my own organizational system.

• Mental/emotional updates: Writing is a massive outlet for me. I want to continue to write here (on this blog) as much as I can through this for my sanity. I want to be open about what’s happening through this. It helps me process and gives me comfort to think my words live beyond me.

  • It’s going to be raw, and it will be messy, but I really want to share.

  • Please pass my words to anyone who else could benefit from them.

How can you help me?

I am fortunate to have a saint of a mother who plans on being with me throughout this journey so that most of my physical needs are met. There may be times when she can’t be there (or we need a break from each other), and I need help with food or support getting to and from appointments, but those will be rare. I need love from you more than anything.

• Help me feel like I’m not alone

  • Reach out to me. Cheer me on. I appreciate all of the support.

• Radiate joy and whimsy back at me

  • I would love photos of things that bring you joy, poems you like, short stories or articles you find interesting, and moments of magic you see throughout your day.

• Fight alongside me

  • I had an idea. I wanted to challenge you all to take on a Lou Resolution. What is something that you have been putting off doing, you’re afraid of, or you’ve wanted to do but haven’t found the space or time? Maybe it is taking up a new skill or changing your diet - whatever your mountain is, I wanted to challenge you to climb it alongside me. What cancer - anger, grief, sadness - are you carrying in your body that you need to let go of to become your best self?

• Come together in community, even if I’m not there

  • I love to bring people together more than anything. Just because I am not physically there, doesn’t mean you all shouldn’t have epic gatherings in the meantime. Tell me all about them.

• Give my family and friends hugs if you see them

  • This feels self-explanatory, but please send extra love to the people doing everything they can to support me right now.

• Help me feel grounded in NYC

  • I’m not a city person and don’t like winter. Help me find pockets of green and nature. Help me settle in and find a routine. Help me with holistic health suggestions (acupuncture, massages, etc.) or spiritual healing. Help me get integrated into the community, but also know that I’m not very good at meeting new people right now, so be gentle with me. Come drink tea and read with me. Come do leisurely creative activities with me.

    • We are currently staying in Greenwich Village, but the space isn’t optimal. If you know of any furnished 2+ bedrooms that don’t feel corporate, are close to nature, and are not a far commute to MSK on the Upper East Side, please let us know.

    • Please don’t send me any mail or packages in NYC yet, as my location is not final.

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How can you best communicate with me?

• Send me love, send me joy, send me the challenges you’re tackling

  • Please do not stop sending me messages. I will do my best to reply, but it will likely be delayed. I’m just overwhelmed.

    • I will try a couple of experiments here to see what feels right. I plan to limit my time on social media and other platforms to focus inward, so for the best response time, try iMessage, WhatsApp, or Signal (or this blog). I also love receiving letters, but I don’t have an address yet, so that will have to wait.

• Please don’t broadly ask me how I am

  • I don’t know how to answer this. I am okay, I guess? But I’m also fatigued from blood loss and know it will get worse before it gets better. It is hard not to receive a cancer diagnosis and go immediately into an existential crisis, but I think I’m doing about as well as I possibly can. I am letting all of the emotions and pain flow through me.

• Please don’t ask me about medical matters unless I bring it up

  • It’s tiring for me to repeat the same information over again. I am also trying not to go down rabbit holes by googling everything, so I won’t have answers to many of the questions you want to ask me.

    • I’m not in a space right now where I can hear and process others’ cancer stories or receive other medical opinions, but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate some advice about how to best go through this. For my sanity, please send all cancer-related suggestions (doctors, treatments, movies, books) to this inbox: lou@louiseireland.com

• Help me by doing the majority of the talking

  • I’m going through a lot, and it’s hard to formulate words right now. Please help me carry the conversation. I’m open to every possible discussion topic, but if you have a hard time mentally not wanting to talk about cancer, let’s talk about it metaphysically, philosophically, or spiritually. For example, what is the meaning of life?

• Limited in-person activities / movement

  • I’ve lost a lot of blood so far, and my energy levels are low. I know it will get much worse before it gets better. I would love visitors and catching up with all of my New York friends, but I go to bed early and am not super mobile. I want to try my best to keep up my activities and movement through this, but just be gentle.

    • It’s tough for me to hold space for others’ emotions during this; some days, it is more challenging than others. If I am short or curt or am incapable of anything more than giving you a hug, please don’t take it personally.

• Diet limitations

  • I cut sugar and grains immediately upon getting the diagnosis. I am trying to eat as cleanly and simply as possible. I already didn’t drink and was a veggie-forward pescatarian before, so it hasn’t been that hard, but I’m now even more limited in my food options. It’d help me a lot if you could double-check if there is something I can eat if we meet up somewhere.